


Longing

by clowchan



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Bittersweet, F/F, F/M, Regrets, Rolivia, Tuckson - Freeform, wanting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 20:11:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7068310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clowchan/pseuds/clowchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fic drabble requested by tumblr user RockOnJenny based on this prompt - “I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.”</p>
<p>This takes place after Heartfelt Passages</p>
            </blockquote>





	Longing

Sitting on the balcony, sipping an espresso, Olivia scrolls through photos on her phone. She should be having the time of her life. She’s in Paris, on vacation, away from the hustle and bustle of New York and with the man she loves. Or so she believes. After the death of Mike Dodds, she had to get away, to decompress, and to escape her guilt. Even her therapist thought it was a good idea to escape to Paris for the summer. She turns her head for a moment to watch Ed in their hotel room playing with Noah. A small smile creeps up on her face. She finally thought she had it all: a family, a job she loves, a romantic setting.

Then she lands on an older photo of Amanda and her singing karaoke at a bar. 

She remembered that night. It was a small celebration when she finally made Sergeant. She and the crew went out for some drinks. Those were happier times. She and Amanda’s friendship still intact and they could talk things over or just simply gossip. She enjoyed being with her, talking about things only a fellow woman could understand. She felt a small pang of guilt in her heart. Neither of them wanted to admit it that night, but at one time they did have feelings for one another. Five wine glasses later, they got a little handsy, sharing a secret kiss, and nothing more. She remembers them both laughing it off and blaming the atmosphere of the night. Everyone was having a good time. She touches her own lips, thinking about that brief romantic moment. No. Now was not the time to think about that. She was out here with Ed, on a romantic trip, and this was the man she chose to love and spend time with. This was their time.

Yet she missed Amanda’s touch and her kiss. Then she thought about how their relationship soured in recent months. She blamed the stress of being a leader, of past events, and to make sure she had everyone in line. She couldn’t show anyone favouritism. Maybe that was the reason why she treated Amanda more unfair than the others. She didn’t want people to know she had more-than-just-friends feelings for her or that one time she did.

Liv cycles to another picture of her and Noah on the Carousel in Central Park. Those wonderful pictures that Carisi took of her and Amanda, having Mommy Day out with their children. She starts to smile. She was happy that they got to spend that brief time together _again_. She had a brief thought about how cute they would be if they were together. Noah and Jesse could be siblings. She loved that idea a lot. And if they would go out they could always call Carisi to babysit. She knew he enjoyed being “Uncle Sonny” with those two. He’d never say no. It would be so convenient. “Stop that,” she tells herself, frowning. Now she actually missed Amanda.

Ed peaks his head out the door, “Are you ok?” Noah stands there, wrapping his little arms around his right leg.

“No, I’m fine,” she smiles. "Just taking care of a few things.”

“You do realise you’re on vacation. Work can wait,” he leans down and kisses the top of her head as Noah giggles.

Her guilt only grew larger. She finally found a partner who would dote on her and help take care of Noah. In fact, Noah took an instant liking to Ed and here she was thinking about being with Amanda. She almost cries, but stops herself. Liv was good at that, hiding her true feelings.

“Not work, personal,” she looks at him. "Just give me a few minutes.”

“Alright,” Ed nods as he picks up Noah, “Come on, bud. Your mama will be inside to join us for dinner.”

“Ok,” Noah smiles as Ed kneels down a little so that Noah could kiss her cheek. They both walk back inside.

Liv nearly loses it. Now she felt guilty. She was having a great time with Ed and suddenly these feelings of _love_ flooded her thinking about Amanda. How inconvenient. She had to text her. It was nearing 5PM, which meant it was almost 11 AM in New York. Liv figured Amanda would be available, might as well try.

> Liv: _Hey_

She waits for a couple of minutes. Usually, Amanda answered her texts right away. Maybe she was busy with Jesse or perhaps got called into work. Or maybe it was too soon to speak candidly to one another like they used to. She thought they were on the mends. The two of them did finally get to talk their grievances out, despite it being at Dodds’ funeral. She longed for her companionship again. She flips through other pictures of the two of them hanging out, having girl’s night out. She missed those days. Liv missed her. She places her phone down to admire the landscape of Paris. Her phone vibrates. _Amanda_.

> Amanda: _Aren’t you on vacation? Or did you miss us that much you came back?_

Liv giggles a bit as she types on her phone.

> Liv: _Still on vacation lol_
> 
> A: _You should enjoy Paris instead of texting lil old me_
> 
> L: _Believe me I am. Just felt like saying hi and wondering how you are_

Liv’s heart started to race. She wasn’t sure if she could admit her true feelings to Amanda

> A: _same old same old. Jesse spit up on me but that’s nothing unusual_
> 
> A: _I wish I was in Paris. Did you get to see the Eiffel tower?_

Liv wished Amanda was here too. Now she had a thought of the two of them making out on the very same balcony she was on.

> L: _Noah used to too. Dont worry they grow out of that stage. And I did! It was wonderful_
> 
> A: _good to hear! I need to find me someone to take me places like that. Does Tucker have any friends? j/k j/k_

Liv smirks. She would gladly take Amanda on a trip to Paris.

> L: Now I should really ask him that
> 
> A: omg dont do that! I was only kidding!
> 
> L: LOL

It was here that Liv was going to finally admit her feelings. Her hands shook a little as she slowly types out her message

> L: There was another reason why I wrote to you
> 
> A: What is it? Dont tell me its work related
> 
> L: No not that. Something else that I need to admit to you
> 
> A: Shoot
> 
> L: I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified

Amanda didn’t reply back and Liv was afraid she scared her off. Or worse made her mad again. Maybe she shouldn’t have said anything at all.

> A: _wait? srsly? Is this a prank?_
> 
> L: _No_
> 
> A: _But you’re with Tucker_
> 
> L: _I know and now I’m suddenly conflicted_
> 
> A: _Why not tell me in nyc before everything happened?_
> 
> L: _idk_
> 
> A: _wait_
> 
> A: _are you thinking about that night too?_

Liv couldn’t help but reread that sentence a couple of times. Amanda thought about that kiss they shared too. She thought she forgot. It was such a brief encounter.

> L: _yes_
> 
> A: _I can’t lie to you. I think about it a lot. then you hooked up with Tucker and so I gave up the chase_
> 
> A: _also all that other stuff that happen prior to that_
> 
> L: _yeah_
> 
> A: _I miss us_
> 
> L: _I do too. I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you_
> 
> A: _don’t worry about it. I’ve faced worse._
> 
> A: _what are you gonna do about tucker? I don’t want to be that “chick”? I don’t want to be that person who breaks up a family_
> 
> L: _IDK that’s why I’m scared. He loves me so much. I do have feelings for him but I’m starting to have stronger feelings for you_
> 
> L: _you would think by now I would have figured out how love works already_
> 
> A: _trust me. I’m on the same boat, Olivia_
> 
> A: _I have to go. Jesse needs to be changed but we need to chat again._
> 
> A: _After your vacation. Please do that for me and we can talk more. Miss you_
> 
> L: _Ok. Miss you too._

Liv puts her phone back in her pocket. She slowly inhales for a moment and then exhales before she enters back into her hotel room.

Ed greets her with a kiss, “You ready to go out?”

She nods. As she returns his kiss, she feels Noah’s hand tugs at hers.

Noah looks up at her, grinning, “We go out, Mommy!”

“Yes, indeed, we are,” she smiles.

As they head out of their hotel room, Liv checks her phone again. Another picture of her and Amanda singing karaoke pops up. Now she had to figure what she had to do.


End file.
